Of Time Agents and Gods
by Akira4444
Summary: Loki scoffed. "Time Lords are mythical beings. They do not exist."
1. Chapter 1

I would personally like to thank my friend Sherry for helping me out with this story. I've been struggling with this pair for a while, and she kindly donated her time to help these two come to fruition. Lydia Hart is an OC of mine from the Torchwood Universe. I really hope you like her, and enjoy this story. Reviews are welcomed, but constructive feedback is a must. Thank you for reading 3

Ancient temples held many treasures. Stories of booby traps and curses had made the temples perfectly preserved, as the locals did not dare tread nearby. One temple contained a crown that clearly didn't belong to this ancient human colony, and it was her job to take it from the temple, ensuring it did not fall into the wrong hands. The Time Agent appeared inside the temple in swirling gold light. The air was musty, and inconsiderately she stepped forward as her boot crushed a scarab beetle with an audible crunch.

The silver crown was high atop a pedestal along with a series of stairs to climb. The Time Agent exhaled. Common traps involving stairs usually consisted of loose ones, and there was a pretty long plummet below. She'd have to run, it was just fortunate her body allowed her to be fairly agile. Lydia Hart broke into a run, sprinting across the stone floor in order to gather speed. She climbed the stairs, all fifty of them, and reached to grab the crown...

When out of the shadows, a man appeared in front of her. A grin spread across his features, and he had taken her by surprise. He laughed as she stumbled backward and slipped, almost plummeting to her death, but her hands managed to grip the concrete platform. He peered down at the petite blonde woman, sporting a black catsuit as her hazel eyes filled with fear. "Naughty girl. Didn't your mother ever tell you stealing is wrong?"

Lydia's legs dangled into the darkness, as she struggled to pull herself upright. "Yeah, well putting dangerous alien technology into a world that clearly can't handle it is wrong too!" She grunted, after trying to pull herself upright again her chin hit the concrete.

He chuckled, and crouched as he carefully studied her face. "You and I appear to be after the same inanimate object."

"For different purposes I gather." Lydia's words were strained as her fingers grazed across the concrete. "You seem to enjoy being in this position of power. You could easily help me up, or drop me. It is your call, whoever you are."

"You are entrusting me with your possible final moments? I must say, it is a fairly bold move." He rose to full height and smoothed down his black leather jacket. "I am Loki."

Lydia stared at him for a moment. "No you're not." She laughed. "I sure as hell believe that Loki wouldn't wander around town dressed like that!"

This angered him. He had never encountered someone before who didn't believe his identity. "Do you prefer to be dropped?"

"Listen, I don't care who you are. You could be Batman, and it wouldn't matter. If you help me, I'll help you. Deal?" Lydia was slowly beginning to lose upper body strength.

"Who is this Batman?" Loki queried, his interest in her growing. Suddenly, he watched as Lydia started to slip from the concrete. Her eyes were filled with fear, one hand slipped and the other was about to when Loki fell to the concrete floor, reaching out and grabbing her wrist mere seconds before the piece of concrete she was hanging onto gave way. Both gazed at each other, confused – hearts racing. He really could drop her if he wanted to, but with an allmighty pull he dragged her up and she crawled across the platform where she rested against the pedestal. Both were panting heavily as Loki stood back up again. He didn't understand why he saved her life. She had insulted him! He merely said nothing further on the matter.

"That... is something Batman would've done." Lydia wiped her lips with the back of her hand as she slowly got to her feet. Her strength was returning, and her eyes returned to the crown.

"Must I prove to you that I am Loki of Asgard?" He growled, regretting that he did something this Batman would've done.

"No... no one needs to prove anything to me. Except... what the hell is that?!" She pointed over Loki's shoulder and plucked the crown from the pedestal as Loki looked in the direction she was pointing in. He turned back and noticed she had taken the crown. Angrily, he lunged for her just as Lydia was typing in coordinates on her Vortex Manipulator. As he grabbed her around the waist, both disappeared in golden light.


	2. Chapter 2

**PLEASE REVIEW**

Moments later, the pair were flung against a series of wooden chairs and tables in a dark saloon. Stunned onlookers watched as the pair scuffled, Loki doing his upmost to pry the crown from Lydia's fingers.

However, Loki froze when he heard the sound of a gun cocking and something pressed against the back of his head.

"That aint no way to treat a lady." The whiskey breath of a cowboy caused the hairs on Loki's neck to rise. He slowly started to realise that the pair had travelled somewhere, and Lydia was grinning like a banshee underneath him. "Gerrof her."

Loki raised his hands and stood to his feet. Taking in his surroundings, he noticed to his left mortal men smoking thin cigarettes accompanied by large glasses of ale and playing cards. He saw out of the corner of his eye a fairly old mortal woman dressed rather scantly, and he wasn't impressed when she offered a wink in his direction. He turned, absorbing the look of the man who had threatened him. He had a bushy ginger beard and light blue eyes. His clothes were ragged and dusty, along with his hat that hid greying ginger hair. Loki merely grinned. "She is no lady."

Lydia stood, dusting herself off and placed the crown in a satchel she wore around her waist. "You can say that again!" Inwardly, she was thankful he did save her life. Perhaps now was a time to repay that debt. "Okay, fellas? My buddy and I are going to leave here real quiet like. So, you can put your gun down. I appreciate the chivalry, but I can look after myself."

"You trust a man in that getup?" The cowboy laughed, as did the others. "Girlie, he looks like someone from one of them travelling freak shows!"

"I really wouldn't say that if I were you..." Lydia mumbled under her breath. Then, she was suddenly amazed. Loki had somehow cloned himself so there was one of him in each corner of the room. She was lost for words. It really was him. And he had saved her life.

"Freak show?" Loki's words filled the room as did stunned silence. The old woman let out a tiny squeal before ducking into a nearby room. His clones were watching on, eyeing everyone in the saloon, almost tasting their fear. "You mortals clearly do not understand the power of a god."

A cowboy panicked and shot one of the clones as it shimmered out of view. Loki was angered, as he stared the man down. "You really should not have done that."

Slightly panicked, Lydia tugged on Loki's jacket. "Come on, let's get out of here..."

"Oh... we're not leaving yet. I'm just getting started." Loki's face fell when suddenly twenty guns were trained on him. His clones disappeared. "Perhaps it is a wise decision to make..." dodging bullets, the pair fled from the saloon as fast as their feet could carry them.

"So, why did you need the crown anyway?" Lydia asked Loki, as the pair walked further from the town and deeper into the desert. "My contact should be here by now." She rubbed the back of her neck and drew in her lower lip, worry etching across her face. "I wonder what's keeping her?"

Loki watched her for a moment as realisation kicked in that he actually had travelled somewhere with the aid of her wrist device. The planet still was Earth, but a different time – unlike the time he had seen his brother galloping about with that woman. No... it felt earlier. He gazed about the emptiness of the desert, as the wind started to pick up and the taste of sand lingered on his tongue. Perhaps he could pry the device from this woman. He knew he'd have to tread carefully for she appeared to be quite acute in her senses, and then it occurred to him that he didn't even know her name. She appeared to completely trust him now, his earlier trickery bringing faith to her that he held up to his introduction. He was Loki, there was no question about that. No one had ever doubted his name before, she was the first and it continued to bother him. Finally, he picked up that she had asked him a question regarding the crown and then she proceeded to mumble something about a contact. "My purpose for the crown is clearly different to yours. I merely wish to possess its power."

Lydia turned to face him. "Possess its power?" She repeated, letting her hand drop to the satchel around her waist protectively. "If you truly wish to enslave humanity, why did you spare my life?"

"A moment of weakness in which I'm quickly regretting." Loki growled, his eyes falling upon the satchel. "Give it to me, woman."

"No." Her other hand held a pistol, a bullet lodged in the barrel and pointing directly at Loki's chest. "Listen. I'm all for repaying your debt, but if you're gonna act like a twat... the crown stays with me."

Loki was growing increasingly tired of those pistols being pointed at him. In more concerning news, she had mentioned the word twat. It was clearly an insult of some kind, but he wanted to know the meaning of it. He merely met her eyes and merely chuckled. "You attempt to insult me with words that have no meaning, and you threaten me?" Loki's lips turned into a thin smile. "I don't threaten."

"You're right about that word. It's a meaningless word." She holstered her pistol and scratched her forehead. "Where is she?!"

Finally, the pair looked on as from deep within the sandy storm, a woman was emerging. Clad in a black cloak that clearly covered her face, she fought off the storm with grace. Lydia swallowed, glancing briefly at Loki for a minute before he had to squint due to the sand bothering them.

Loki took the opportunity of the low visibility to clone himself again, quietly appearing beside Lydia and dipping his hand into her satchel. The clone glanced at his real form once his fingers grasped the crown, and the clone disappeared as Loki grasped the crown firmly in his hand. He tucked it securely in a pocket. He could already feel the crown possessing him, and he looked at Lydia darkly.

The woman approached the pair and removed her hood. She appeared to be an old crone, her face wrinkled but her eyes hinting at decades of powerful knowledge. "Come, child. Have you got the crown?"

Lydia nodded, patting the satchel. Her words suddenly froze in her throat when she felt the satchel to be misshapen. The crown was gone! "I err... yeah! I do, hang on..."

Loki watched on, smirking the entire time. He had the crown now, he could have done anything he wanted, but in all honesty he wanted to watch her squirm.

"Uh... I thought I did..." Lydia was beginning to panic. She was certain the crown had been in her possession the entire time. The satchel itself was incredibly secure with reinforced stitching. "I'm sorry... I don't have it."

The woman's eyes narrowed to the point where even Loki was becoming nervous. "You promised me the crown, child. I have your reward. Are you playing me for a fool?"

"No! No. Never. Obviously a slight mishap, um..." Lydia patted herself down. "...I apologise for wasting your time. I was confident that I had the crown, but, clearly I do not." In the meantime, her hand had slipped around the butt of her gun and the old woman had noticed this.

"Time Agents... never trust them..." The old woman hissed.

Lydia fired two bullets squarely in the old woman's chest. She fell to the sandy ground, as Lydia looked directly at Loki. "Time to move."

Loki glanced at the woman on the ground, blood seeping from her wounds as the sand started to cover her. His gaze lifted to Lydia, as his lips pressed into a smirk. "I never asked for your name."

"My common name is Lydia Hart." She holstered her pistol, shaking her head in regards to the dead woman. "I was quite certain I had that crown."

"Short sightedness is a difficult ability to deal with." Loki pouted. "Lydia..." He repeated. "Common name? For what purpose? Concealing the past isn't welcoming."

"Shut up, Loki. No doubt there will be a time where we can angst, but right now isn't the time! Hang onto me." Lydia made a gesture with her fingers that made Loki quite curious.

"My brother told me to shut up once..." Loki recalled, as Lydia suddenly grabbed him around the waist and the pair were once again sucked into the power of Vortex Manipulation travel.


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Notes:** THANK YOU to my new followers. I really hope you like this new chapter. Apologies for the formatting. No matter what I try, I can't get paragraphs to work!

* * *

It took Loki a moment to recover from their recent trip. What instantly overpowered him however was the smell of rotten fish. His eyes narrowed as he absorbed the surroundings, derelict houses with dirty children sitting on the doorstep. One had noticed him however, and started talking quickly to his friend next door. Loki made a threatening stare, and the children screamed – running inside the house.

Lydia heard the scream and she glanced up at the god, who was smirking to himself. "Really? You should pick on somebody your own size." She playfully nudged his elbow. "Like me."

Loki said nothing. He merely gazed down at the petite Time Agent and pondered if she had insulted him yet again. She was considerably shorter than he, and he was quite confused at her statement. However, he refused to admit that he was confused and Lydia merely rolled her shoulders into a shrug.

"Hey, I tried." She took two steps forward and knocked on the old wooden door. "Home sweet home."

"You're welcoming me into your dwelling?" Loki wrinkled his nose. This was clearly no place for a god, the smells were bad enough. "I would prefer to leave this place and return to my own realm."

"In good time. I want you to meet my brother. He's a little bit crazy, you'll get along fine." The door opened, and Lydia was taken aback to see a familiar looking man standing there stark naked.

"Lydia?" He breathed, his American accent unmistakeable.

"Jack?!" Lydia was equally stunned. She hadn't seen her mentor in years, especially after he left the Time Agency for unknown reasons.

Loki hadn't seen anything like it in his life. Two mortal humans standing to face to face, a man fully exposed in more ways than one. "Mortals." He huffed.

"Uh..." Lydia suddenly grabbed Loki by the hand and dragged him inside. "Put a towel on or something, Jack."

"Not like you haven't seen it before!" Captain Jack Harkness protested, as he winked at Loki. "Hi. Captain Jack Harkness." He held out his hand.

"I'd rather not." Loki was deeply unimpressed at this awkward situation he had found himself in. "You are Lydia's brother?"

"No. I trained her, though. So... who are you?" Jack picked up his blue military coat from the floor and wrapped it around his body. "John's out back by the way."

"Surprised to see you both back together." Lydia's face hardened. "Be gentle with Loki will you? I'll be back."

Jack paused for a moment. "Loki? As in... Loki?" He looked the man up and down, nodding.

"It's welcoming to see you accept that I am who I say I am." Loki watched as Lydia left the room, and he felt the crown once more in his pocket. Perhaps this... Jack could be a wonderful test subject. "I must say. I have never been greeted like that before."

Jack took a seat at a rotten old wooden dining set, and gestured to the seat opposite him. "First time experiences often linger, just saying." He winked.

"I'd prefer if this one didn't..." Loki grumbled, sitting on an angle so he wasn't staring at the man. "That device on your wrist. Have you another?"

"This?" Jack shook his head. "No. You're a god. Why would you need one?"

"I need to return to my realm." Loki pressed, finally staring at Jack. He slipped his hand into his pocket, grasping the crown firmly as he started to feel himself peeling the layers of Jack's mind. "And you will give me your device."

Jack's eyes became unfocused for a moment as Loki attempted to control him. The Director of Torchwood Three didn't like it when that happened, and he was quick to snap up a wall causing the god to stare at him blankly. Jack leaned in closely, almost nose to nose with the god. "I don't like it when newbies try to take over me."

Loki merely grinned. "The naked mortal has heart."

Jack leaned back in his chair. "Mortal... well. If you want to call me mortal. I mean, you'd get a pretty wicked surprise if you killed me."

"The temptation has been there since the moment we met."

* * *

Lydia moved quietly down the dark, long corridor until she found a bedroom door cracked open. A flickering light danced across her feet as she pushed the door open, and merely shook her head – finding her brother tied up and naked on the bed. Candles glimmered around him, and the smell of alcohol was quite strong. "Okay. What spurred you two to get back together?" Lydia wandered into the room as she plucked a knife from her belt and started to free her brother. "Gesh, go send me on a wild goose chase when I could've been home!" She dragged the cloth around her brother's mouth. "Didn't get the crown by the way."

Captain John Hart grumbled as he rubbed his wrists. "He could've used a harder rope." He then stared at his sister in surprise. "What? You didn't? Ancient temples are totally your thing."

"Well, I did and I didn't. I met someone. You better put your pants on." Lydia tossed John his pants as they hit him squarely on the chest. "Jack already greeted him in the nude, I don't think he's our type."

"He?" John hopped off the bed and started to pull on his pants. "You haven't brought anyone home in months."

"He's... different." Lydia turned away with a sigh. "He saved my life."

"Well! Calls for a drink then, doesn't it?" John grinned. "What's his name?"

"Loki..." Lydia swallowed, and rose her hand. "Before you start, yes. He is the god Loki."

John folded his arms across his chest. "How dare you sleep with a god before me."

"Nothing like that has happened. As I said. He's different." Lydia shrugged. "Come on." She turned to the door, and John followed her, picking up his holster along the way. "I think it will be worthwhile if we keep him around."

"You _have_ read the stories, haven't you? He can't be trusted." John buckled his holster and sniffed. "Just like us I suppose."

"Of course I've read the stories. I've probably stolen a few of his personal items in the past. Come on. The least you can do is meet him." Lydia heard John cocking his pistol. "I said meet him. Not kill him."

"What if I don't like him?" John pouted.

"You like everybody, John." Lydia rolled her eyes. "Besides. I would've thought murder rehab worked for you."

John chuckled as he put his pistol back into its holster. "Nah. Can't keep a good man down."

The pair entered the kitchen and were rather surprised to see Jack and Loki throwing punches. The first thing Lydia noticed was Loki sporting a cut lip, and Jack had a swollen eye. "Hey! Cut it out you two!" Lydia marched toward the pair. "I said play nice!"

Loki chuckled. "Oh, I like him." He dabbed at his lip with his tongue.

"You hear that?" Jack grinned at John. "Loki likes me."

"Probably not how you think he likes you." John rolled his eyes. "So. Now we're all together, how about a little drink?"

"Actually, we all need to talk. I lost the crown, killed the contact, and I've probably pissed off an entire planet." Lydia rubbed the back of her neck.

"What?" Jack blinked, ignoring the pain from his swollen eye for now. "Lost the crown? That's not like you."

Loki remained silent, feeling the weight of the crown in his pocket.

"Just warning you. I think I'll stay here until it cools off." Lydia took a seat at the table as John took a bottle of whiskey from the shelf.

"What about Loki?" John asked, pouring the drink into four shot glasses.

"I... would rather return to my previous endeavours." Loki eyed the drink curiously. He had tried liquor in the past, often being dragged into a drinking match spurred on by his brother Thor and the warriors three. He also recalled that Sif usually stayed upright last. Although, the idea of drinking with mortals did seem to be rather amusing. He could outlast them with no problem. "...however, I am rather thirsty." He slowly sat down between Jack and John.

"Bottoms up." Jack raised his glass and took a single sip. He pulled a face and coughed once the drink had been swallowed. "Where did you get THAT?" He eyed John, who was laughing.

"I know a guy."

"You know several guys." Lydia reminded him.

"Man... I really need to bring this stuff to the Hub. Ianto is adorable when he's drunk." Jack licked his lips as John reached in front of Loki to pour another drink.

"The Hub?" Lydia curiously asked Jack.

"Oh... yeah, I've got sort of a long story to tell you."

Loki hadn't touched his drink as Jack explained to Lydia his adventures since the Time Agency. The conversation was boring him, until Jack mentioned The Doctor.

"The Doctor?" Loki interrupted.

"Yeah. He's a Time Lord."

Loki scoffed. "Time Lords are mythical beings. They do not exist."

"We thought the same thing about you lot." Jack mumbled. "Why do you believe Time Lords don't exist?"

Loki finally drank his shot of whiskey, the others were amazed that he did not have a reaction. John folded his arms, angry as he would lose this drinking game. "My f... Odin... told me stories as a child. Stories of other races far beyond the Nine Realms, stories of frightening races with powers unheard of. Time Lords fell into that category. Time Travel, regeneration..." He shook his head. "...Omega and Rassilon were beings my brother and I often played in the halls."

The others were fairly quiet as Loki spoke, and reached for the whiskey bottle that Lydia was currently cuddling.

"Well... next time I see the Doctor, I'll tell him you said hi." Jack grinned.

"It would be best if you didn't." Loki poured himself another drink.

* * *

The night continued on. Jack and John started a brawl, and Lydia decided to call it a night. She got to her feet and stretched, as Loki watched, noting the fact that he wasn't even drunk. She wandered off down the hall, and as Jack reached to pick up her chair in order to slam it against John's back, Loki decided to follow her.

There hadn't been that much discussion during their evening together, it was mainly Jack laughing about his Torchwood escapades and Ianto loving that thing Jack does with his tongue. By the time Loki found himself standing in the doorway of Lydia's room, she had already passed out on her bed, snoring rather loudly.

He continued to stand there, as his eyes gained focus. His soul travelled to another world, and he walked up a long staircase with the crown in his hand. The scene around him was of fire and brimstone, the smell of sulphur burning his nostrils. Loki bowed his head as he saw the being before him, a creature with exposed muscle and wearing a suit of metal. His face was horribly deformed, almost as if the skin itself had melted off. Loki didn't stare, for this creature was the final chapter in his plan.

"You have done well." The creature's voice was hoarse, yet powerful. "Pass me the crown."

Loki took two more steps forward and extended his hand holding the crown. "And my reward?"

"You will get your reward in time."

Loki turned his head away. He did not want to show disrespect in front of the creature, but he was slowly losing patience with him. "What else must I do to prove my loyalty?"

The creature was silent as he thought, Loki turning his head to look at him once more. "On the planet Pytherion, there is an object with considerable power, more so than this crown."

Loki tried to swallow his surprise when the planet's name was mentioned.

"Bring me the necklace of the Queen. Do what you must in order to obtain it. Fail me and I will do more to you than melt your skin..."

Loki snapped back to his body. He steadied himself against the door frame, his eyes gazing at Lydia. He was rather tempted to steal her Vortex Manipulator then and there, but he knew that she was loyal to him and this pleased him.

"Wake up." His voice reached her ears, and Lydia jolted upright.

"What the fuck..." Lydia saw several versions of Loki standing over her, and he hadn't even cloned himself. "...ow. My head."

"Take me to the planet Pytherion. Now." Loki dragged Lydia to her feet by her arm, and shoved her into the middle of the room.

Lydia stared at him, as she tried to focus. "Hey! What's the big idea huh? Didn't your mother teach you manners? Don't bother me when I'm hungover for one!"

Loki stared at her, his face clenched with rage. "Do what I ask, woman, or I will crush your skull!"

"Fine, fine. What's got your knickers in a twist?" She wandered over to him. "Hold me."

He held her firmly around the waist, as Lydia entered the coordinates and the pair disappeared.


	4. Chapter 4

Lydia and Loki arrived on the planet without a welcoming ceremony, for they had both landed in a field of wheat. Loki was the first to stand, his steely gaze upon the castle in the distance.

Lydia got to her feet and brushed herself off. She followed Loki's gaze to the castle. "So uh... is this a personal thing or..."

Loki threw her a glare. "Your constant chattering is rather irksome."

She held up her hands in defence. "Just asking. I'm all for helping someone out on a personal mission. It'll be nice to know what I'm getting myself into."

He turned his attention back toward the castle and started to walk. Lydia hurried after him, her hangover slowly dispersing. She attempted to work out what time of day it was, but it didn't help that the planet had two suns. It was a blistering hot day, with little breeze and despite the endless field of wheat she dreaded to think what sort of creatures lingered between the stalks. Lydia hated going to a scene without knowing at least the basics in the event she came up against something unsavoury. She was beginning to wonder why Loki had dragged her along with him in the first place.

Up ahead, the castle glistened in the sunlight. It was several stories high, and Loki knew gaining access could be quite difficult. He looked over his shoulder to see Lydia still following him, and he turned back quickly. Perhaps he could manipulate their forms in order to disguise themselves as guards. This was an extreme mission involving delicacy, and he didn't want Lydia to fail.

"I want you to follow my every command. It may be difficult for you to do so, but you will find yourself dead otherwise, either by my hand or a guard. Understood?"

Lydia sighed. She hated to be controlled, especially when her instincts want her to instantly lash out at the first sign of danger. "Roger."

Loki stopped walking and turned to face her. "Who is Roger?"

Lydia chuckled. "It's just an expression. I'll behave, promise."

He shook his head and continued to walk ahead. "My realm does not bode well here."

"Oh?" Lydia asked. _So, this is a personal thing..._ she thought to herself. "Why?"

"Asgard is considered to be the enemy. A foolish boy had relations with the Princess, and it started a war."

"Ah. Just like _Romeo and Juliet._" Lydia absorbed this information with a swallow. "That... 'foolish boy' wasn't you by any chance, was it?"

"Silence!" Loki growled. "Must you question everything I say?"

Lydia shrugged. "So it _is_ you!" She giggled. "It's all right. John's started a few wars himself, nothing to be ashamed about."

Loki took several quick steps toward Lydia, and wrapped his fingers around her throat. He watched her reaction for a moment, the fear filling her eyes being the same as when she was dangling off the edge of that platform. She was struggling for breath, her feet dangling in the air as he held her up. "You... are to be silent unless spoken to." He let her go, as Lydia fell to the ground gasping for air. "Do not question my past."

Lydia coughed, rubbing her throat, the skin still red raw with Loki's finger impressions. "I was _just_ asking."

Loki turned away. "And yet, you continue to mock me." He continued to walk, the castle getting larger and more extravagant with each step he took.

Lydia dragged herself to her feet. "I'm not mocking you!" She broke off into a run until she was by Loki's side. "Look, if I offended you, I'm sorry."

Loki couldn't believe this woman! He had strangled her, threatened her, and she took the whole episode as if it were some sort of game. Mortals of the 51st Century surely were quite complicated. "Offence isn't the issue here."

"Then... what is? Loki, I told you when we first met that I'm here to help you. Shutting me out will only complicate things. If you want me to go and snap the neck of someone that pissed you off – just ask!" She was suddenly cut off when Loki raised his hand. He placed his index finger to his lips, and Lydia finally followed his command to be silent.

Up ahead, they could hear conversation. Farmers were cutting the wheat, and muttering to themselves. Like lions, Loki and Lydia crouched as low as they could as they focused on their prey.

"Look, he's an okay king and all. I mean, it's just when he does his thing and be all 'ohh, you're not welcome to any sort of free speech. I can rule all forms of conversation. Your opinion means nothing to me' it's kind of.. a bit much." One of the farmers exhaled loudly. "If you ask me, I think we should vote for our kings."

"Vote for our kings?" The other farmer snapped. "What, are you expecting that we should be treated to some kind of decent democracy? We're peasants! It's not like we can march up to him and say 'we demand to pass a motion of no confidence.'"

At this stage, Lydia and Loki exchanged glances.

"There's no harm in trying. Besides! If it weren't for us peasants, his fat arse wouldn't be getting the daily dose of fibre that he needs!"

"Oi! What's going on here?" The second farmer had come across Loki and Lydia in the field. "You two! Get back to work!"

The first farmer ran to his companion in order to see what the man was ranting about. He rolled his eyes. "Nah, just a couple of lovers escaping the 9-5 madness in the castle."

Loki rose to full height, much to the surprise of the farmers. He merely swept his gaze between them, as curiosity of their earlier conversation got the better of him. "What of your Queen?"

"The Queen? Nah, she's all good. Lovely woman. Would've preferred if she were my own mother."

Lydia was taking advantage of the distraction and sneaking on ahead. She gave a thumbs up to Loki, who noticed this, as she continued on toward the castle.

A grin spread across Loki's lips. "I am really quite surprised that you do not recognise me. My face should be on every wall within the kingdom."

The farmers shared a confused expression. "Nope... sorry. Your face doesn't ring a bell."

"Really?" Loki masked his surprise. "Do you recall the reason why your realm is at war with Asgard?"

The farmers froze, suddenly, the way they held their farming utensils indicated that they were holding them as if to defend themselves. They exchanged glances. "You... you're Loki?" The first farmer managed to squeeze out his name.

Loki merely grinned, as the farmers dropped their tools and ran. "Mewling quims." He continued on his way.


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: A little short, but highly amusing chapter!

* * *

Loki caught up to Lydia, as she fiddled with her Vortex Manipulator. Her energy was heavy with confusion. "I could always try and get us inside, but, there's something blocking it... I can't work it out." She sighed, as she met Loki's eyes with a twinkle of excitement. "A fire fight might be in order.." She patted the pistol hanging off the holster on her hip fondly.

Loki noted her enthusiasm, but shook his head. "I have a better method." He steered her away from the entrance of the castle, as their forms shimmered into the peasants they had previously encountered. "We will enter from the rear."

Lydia grinned. "Oh, I _do_ like that method."

"I assumed you might..." The pair scuttled along the outskirts of the castle, gathering whatever they could in terms of loose objects such as a chicken or a sack of potatoes to gain entrance to the kitchens. Loki had picked up the prized cock, the feathered creature squawking in his hands. "Be quiet!"

Lydia watched on, hurling that sack of potatoes over her shoulder. "I could always provide advice when it comes to handling a cock."

Loki said nothing, for he was too busy controlling the bird. Eventually, the bird became silent. "I believe I know how to handle my own cock."

Lydia knocked on the door of the kitchen with a large grin. "You're ridiculous." The wooden door swung open, the pair keeping in character of peasants as they were greeted by an old crone. "Greetings, old woman!" Lydia began. "We return with er... good tidings of potatoes and a cock."

The elderly woman sniffed. "Get the fuck inside you pricks. The old bastard wants his fucking soup."

"Charming..." grumbled Loki, as he continued to struggle with the bird in his hands. "Language..." grunt "...clearly seems to be an issue of this realm..."

Lydia made a quick motion with her index finger across her throat in hope that Loki noticed to cut the conversation, but, with effort she managed to disguise her motion with dumping the potatoes into a pail as the old crone watched on. "Will the Queen be dining tonight?" Lydia asked, the old crone quirking a brow.

"Why the fuck shouldn't she be?"

Loki had suffered enough under the power of this bird. The cock was clearly too hard for him, and with a grunt the bird escaped his fingers. The old crone was quick to scoop it up in her fat arms and sliced off its head with a knife. Loki attempted to hide his amusement.

"...was that the main course?" Lydia asked, as the bird was thrown at her chest. "I take that as a yes."

"Don't forget the fucking spices." The old crone staggered out of the kitchen with a limp, as Lydia threw the dead bird to the ground.

"What the HELL did you drag me into?" Lydia's peasant form was shimmering away as she stood over Loki – who appeared to be quite amused regarding the situation.

"She really has admiration for spices." Loki laughed, gathering the emotions Lydia was expressing in regards to the situation.


End file.
